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Tree of Series

by Stephanie Carlin

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1.
I am a rock. I glued my rusted roots, my spine is used to bear fruit - I am rooted But you are not, you cocooned my blooming womb I am the fuel – seducing, introducing, confusing you with truths But you don’t really understand these tools Push push push me away - I will wait here for you Push push push me away with trembling hands coated in glue Push push push me away - you’ll come back on your own Push push push me away and I’ll sit here calm, reposed, exposed I am divine I am the light inside you But I am not mother and god I am a rock. I am the glue. I glued my shredded heart, wept for help but your speech was slurred and you refused to watch as I pulled myself together In your flitting fleeting eyes, I only shine light In your flitting fleeting eyes, I preach these seductive truths In your flitting fleeting mind, I’m crucified, bow down, look up In your flitting fleeting mind, I bear the fruit Now, I am a backbone I am a spearhead But I am not mother and god I am a rock.
2.
i It’s cold but there’s a light a burn a bright light always blazing inside It’s dark but there’s a light a burn a bright light - that’s all there is that’s all we are I light a match, I fight the switch, I grind up broken mirrors clean up / weep, clean up / grieve / clean up, breathe I’m tuning in and tuning out, I choose all my own tunings this I know I don’t know anything ii I’m sure that there’s a light, a burn, a bright light ablaze inside of him (even if he don’t yet know) I’m sure the rose can bloom inside his cavern, in his cage this I know I don’t know anything His love earned the title of god but like all idols he failed me – he was ordinary I’m sure his love was pure, I’m sure his eyes were blue I’m sure of what – I never knew him at all iii It’s hard, she falls apart, but there’s a mirror that she’s holding – it is shimmering inside and all her broken plans, her broken man, the broken show her sacred shadows that she’s been avoiding The veils and blinders distort the image she reflected on her body Her sweatshop spins like turnstiles, she never said consent to the invasion of her wisdom the mutilation of her freedom the creation of a victim inside her head Cry into the sun Lie under the sun Die under the sun
3.
it’s saturday morning, two lovers bask in their kiss two lovers bask in their kiss - so perfect it’s saturday morning, an atom splits an atom splits off in the distance - my coffee drips the sunlight is thrashing, colored clouds dazzling bodies awakening, like butter they’re melting the night air is thrashing, fireworks crashing bodies are dancing, like butter they’re melting into each other (but not forever) stripped of oblivion, my arm reaches the sun reaches peaks of the earth no hand ever has touched and i’m stripped of oblivion yet when the universe collapses you’ll tell me you don’t understand it but i’m stripped of oblivion so let your smashed spirits shatter your ego and power obtained to be scattered, to be free from clouded love and allow the great earth to drip through your mind and let it kiss you and i’m stripped of oblivion
4.
when i finally start seeing the world in color when the laws of the earth supersede law and order and i’m finally tired of drowning in whiskey and i stop sitting and wishing and start doing and feeling when i’m okay with the man i love not calling when i’m okay with the man i love suddenly dying when i’m deaf and blind and my throat’s on fire always stays on fire gate gate pāragate pārasamgate bodhi svaha denial gives me the right to my lifestyle. denial twists me around for more - give me more when i finally stop denying i’m empty when the hard laws of love defeat dreams of peace and i finally see all my “needs” as a disease and i quit whining and wanting and realize i’m alive now i know the path is not a straight line the path, the sweet path, takes it’s sweet time i gotta wake up out of the dream everything is rooted in nothing gate gate pāragate pārasamgate bodhi svāhā wake up and take a breath wake up and just be grateful you got a few more left wake up and take a breath wake up and be grateful you got a few more left gone gone, all gone gone gone all gone gone gone, all gone divine wisdom remains when it’s all gone
5.
i crawled over slowly to your perfect body so early in the morning i wondered where we were – and then it hit me the seconds stalled, the minutes froze back then i’m gonna fall in love with you, you said i denied you at first, then i broke and bent because you are the one - and it hit me. let me look at you now let me look at you now like i looked at you then let me look at you now let me look at you now - before it hits me silent as your heart beat the seconds stall, the minutes freeze paralyzed in my seat you just stare at me and it hits me
6.
when you’ve got me working i can’t breathe no more - overtime’s not for everyone and you’re payin me shit, and i can’t afford to keep afloat on this caste you adore my heart beats an SOS OM OM OM SOS - root to the core my heart screams an SOS OM OM OM SOS when my lungs cave i’ll get that reward you are the apple skin thin and battered browned beat and bitter what does it matter anymore (it doesn’t) it goes deeper right to the core well you’ve got metal rods rusting your brain from the inside out you’re staying sane your heart’s playing games and your mind has been maimed now all the blood you could be bleeding bled your heart beats an SOS OM OM OM SOS - root to the core will scream for my SOS OM OM OM SOS when my lungs cave there’ll be no reward so chew that shit you’ve been dropping on me and my display case prophesies yeah chew the rotted apples between your teeth and under your tongue, lick your lips clean our hearts beat an SOS OM OM OM SOS - together as one we scream, we don’t need to be heard anymore but when our lungs cave we’ll take that reward take your damn apples, their complexity’s smashed in this tree of series there always is an open door just depends what you are looking for
7.
My best friend from high school, she was kind of a slut and her brother smoked pot every day before the bus came. He didn’t graduate but he just got done with two rounds in Iraq and two round of applause. He got a gold star for pumping star spangled lead for star spangled fun into a stark naked man who begged at my friend's brother to stop raping his terrified terrorist wife with the star spangled barrel of his star spangled gun. God bless you - God bless our troops – God bless you – Will God bless them? Because their babies don’t grow up. Their babies don’t grow up. The star spangled bombs meant to liberate and save (the star spangled crusade God swore was safe) play a star spangled part in the brown babies falling out of terrified mothers. The brown babies fall out of terrified terrorist mothers with double heads and failing hearts. Back home my babies grow up, skip along bloodied cement. My neighbor’s the alleged terrorist suspect, yeah my babies grow up fearing the brown bearded man. Back home my babies grow up septic and toxic, sipping mommy’s milk out of contaminated plastic - my babies grow up shrink wrapped and malignant but hey, at least they grow up, at least they’re breathing. Because their babies don’t grow up. Their babies don’t grow up. The star spangled bombs meant to liberate and save, the star spangled uranium God swore was safe – well, it is your star spangled fault that the brown babies fall out of terrified mothers. The brown babies fall out of terrified terrorist mothers and we just skip along, disgraceful. My best friend from high school, she was kind of a slut and her brother smoked pot every day before the bus came. He didn’t graduate but he just got done with two rounds in Iraq and two rounds in his gut. He got some star spangled nails in his coffin. That’s what they’ve done for him. He got some star spangled nails in his coffin. I’m sure his mother’s proud of him. God bless you. God bless these truths.
8.
Body Of Lead 04:50
i’m a child of noise, nickel and diming peace static clogs me at all frequencies in my body of lead, in this body i lead quiet the mind, quiet the fears love is here, listen, love is here in my body of lead, in this body i lead space is a thing to be filled space is a thing to be filled and the house and the cars and the things consume me my ears ring, my ears ring space is a thing to be filled i’m a product of use, confusing wrong with right pride flicks off and on the lights inside my body of lead, in this body i lead what do i fear what do i fear when love disappears in my body of lead, in this body i lead space breaks into my skull space paints over the dull noise space creates a steady stream to let go let go let go the clearer the distortion be
9.
you built a mighty fine brick wall i crash into you, brick and mortar and all contusions and concussions between dead end discussions they're cushioned, familiar collisions sick intoxicating scent dig deep under my fingernails tongue hot, body bent backwards for you i love you o, brick wall you watch me squirm, but you're firm, you stand tall and i could beg at you, tear and you, dig into you, with all my charm unlike me, you never fall eyelids weak, i flutter through the sheets forcing myself to go through the motions pacing myself, i take the lead but i think you're gone - yeah, you're goin. o, brick wall my breaks fail, you cripple me my breaks fail, you rip through me and i can always count on running into you leaving me for a fool sick intoxicating scent dig deep under my fingernails tongue hot, body bent backwards, for you i’m a fool
10.
loneliness pulled against my skin loneliness plants the seeds loneliness held me and stroked my cheek loneliness had to leave had to leave. alone i pulled against my skin alone i plant the seeds the withered rush is a tool to use solitude will bloom stay with me. don’t leave loneliness cracked my blooming ribs and exposed the heart of what this is loneliness pulled with guiding hands like a dream, wiped the slate clean but it will leave. i am the leaves falling from the tree of series i am the leaves. from a distance, solitude reminds me not to envy bliss
11.
Being 04:21
i like the secrets you sneak between the sheets, between the lines, between my dreams i like that your footing’s not concrete i like that you’re a human being you’re being human i like the life you lead between the falls, between the rocks, between journeys but I like that your footing’s not concrete i like that you’re a human being you’re being human the clearer the distortion be i like the war inside i like the war inside your mind the journey the soul takes is sublime i like that some wars are worthwhile

credits

released June 4, 2013

AVIDYA AND THE KLESHAS ARE:
stephanie carlin - vocals, acoustic guitar, compositions
xander naylor – electric guitar
javi santiago – piano, rhodes, wurlitzer
russ flynn – bass
wes reid – percussion

all songs written, arranged, and produced by stephanie carlin
recorded live by pete thompson at hoboken recorders, hoboken, nj
mixed by andy baldwin at rola pola, brooklyn, ny
mastered by heba kadry at the lodge, new york, ny

cover art painted by greg rourke

© 2013 stephanie carlin music, ascap.

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Stephanie Carlin Brooklyn, New York

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